dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
