Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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