I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
