did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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