Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
