I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
