so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
