I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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