dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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