I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
