dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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