Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
