It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
