Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
