why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish I only lived at night.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
