Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
