I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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