best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
