so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
