last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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