Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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