Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
