I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
