I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
