i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
