i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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