The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
