He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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