What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
