do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
