i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Two words: blizzard sex
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
