Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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