Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
