Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
