If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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