Please, let me fuck your mom
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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