I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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