I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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