i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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