apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
