i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
