I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
