Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
