you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize