God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
