He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
