dude i'm inner monologue high
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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