If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
