So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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