remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
