I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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