Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
