is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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