If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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