Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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