meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i barfeds in our rink
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There's a naked man in my car right now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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