You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I enjoy the company of your penis
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
