Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
