It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
