babies were throwing up all over the place
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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