There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
